Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Assaulted by a stream of cataclysm

Hello readers, I am immersed in my December mood that i'm having a strenuous time tugging my body out from this comfort zone. *sigh* It has been a great month, thronged with strands of memories to be framed inside my head. Moving on, i think its time for me to address a warmly apologies to every member of the human race that i once, twice, or continually hurt. I am just a human being, constructed with flaws and only flaws to live with until my very last breath. Imperfection does usher me to the worst side of me sometimes. And then , comes the word 'regret'. I do feel contrite about things that i've done in the past. All the time. And i know the word SORRY is overrated, set aside as the most easiest word to speak nowadays. But trust me people, this time it flows directly from my heart.

So, 2010 did assault me with a stream of cataclysm that i can never wipe them out from my mind. I was emotionally abused by everything. My education, my boyfriend (ex), my friends , myself. I secluded myself from any social activities throughout the year, rummaging for my true self. I abused my parents' trust and i keep on notifying myself not to get their heart wounded ever again. Thanks to my stupidity, my life was slowly crumbling. I put my future at risk and i know i still have time to start mending it with tools that i've abandoned once. Nevertheless, i still had the chance to run across a few new people throughout the journey and i am overjoyed! I was sprinkled with awareness and i know i've changed. On top of that, i finally followed the white light and now i am no longer coated by the weather from the blues. *phewww* Let's say, 2010 is a lonely year for me. #foreveralone

Now that this year is so closed to its funeral, so closed to its expiry date, i can finally inhale a scent of 2011! This January, it will be a pit start for me to abolish my mistakes. Time for me to carve the blunt edge of my life and not jeopardize my future anymore. That is my oath ! I raised my white flag long ago, not wanting to wander with no directions, or live my life aimlessly. I don't want to be the girl that will be getting my one feet off the ground, relying on some decaying stick to hold on to. I am no longer that kind of person. I think it is rather futile for me to be listing out my resolutions and mortified at the end of 2011 for being the same old creep. I'll just keep it to myself.

Enough with that . I am off to bed . Nights!

Friday, December 17, 2010

If tomorrow never comes . . .

Death is natural. Everyone dies and yet we live as if, we know that we won't die tomorrow. But people, what if tomorrow never comes?

Dear god ,

If i my tomorrow never comes, will you take a good care of my parents and my brothers forever and always? Will you let them know how much they mean to me and they are the only people in this one big bogus world that i truly love. They have a heart that is far more precious than a gold. That you know.Will you tell mama that i love her too much ? And that, she needs to be strong for what she is going through is inexplicable.Will you tell papa that he is the best father that anyone could ever wish for? Will you tell my brothers that even though i rebuke them everyday, but deep inside, i felt protective over them. Will you forgive me for being one sinful human ? Will you eradicate my sins? Will you let those people that i've once hurt know that i am truly deeply sorry. Will you let those people that once hurt me know that i have actually forgiven them all? And i hold no grudge against anyone. I promise. Will you tell all of my friends how i am gratified to have them in my life? And, thanks god. I have a great life. Very distinctive one. Very unique and not all can grasp what i meant but i know you do.



Thursday, December 16, 2010

The past is no longer dominant to me

Hello readers. .

Again, I flicked through the pages i once scrawled at the back of my mind. Just having a lil glimpse about the past i once led. It was suicidal at first but i am over it. It felt as if i was only running my eyes over a story book. Spiteful past i shall say but no longer as dominant as before.

I still remember when my heart was no longer in a normal pace, and it felt as if a very keen knife just stabbed through my heart. I remember when i bawled inside my room, pretending as if that could ease the tension i felt but truth is, it didn't. I remember that excruciating pain and all i ever thought was a stream of hatred rushed through my vein. But the hatred never last. I've always been the one who easily forgives other people. I grew up with that very doctrine. I remember how's it like to drench myself with a feeling of melancholy. And i pray, yeah i pray every single night before i go to sleep, wishing for a better day. And i told god that my indecisiveness really scotched my happiness and that i need him to decide for me this time.

As the months flew off my sight, god seems to prick up his ears for me and granted my prayer. I guess he made me wanting to isolate myself from everyone just to savor every littlest thing that i've missed out about my life. He wanted me to stand by my own feet this time. I feel rapturous by the thoughts i have. I can never be any happier than this. I seek for happiness and it has finally reached its hand for me. The emptiness that i once felt were engrossed with everything. I learned how to smile again.

So friends, if you are really in an anguish, before you make any pace , senseless, you should know that time does heal all wounds. And if you feel that you have nobody else in the world, think twice.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Ah i am not good in giving titles

Not so long ago, my bed time stories were about love. My ears were always at ease, keeping my heart and mind open to that kind of talk, knowing how beautiful the love stories can be. For instance, my aunt met my uncle at McD, they were fighting all the way. Two complete strangers fighting over a table. At the end of the day, they fell in love, they had their happily ever after. Sweet. Back then, love stories were painted with vivid colors. Now, well i believe everyone met their partner on facebook. The dull love story painted with only black and white.

To drench you with my awes, traditionally, guys were the ones that had to trudge the first pace. What about now? I am baffled by the tradition as i witness girls nowadays are the one chasing after guys. I, on the other hand, never really asked a guy out, or ask for their numbers even. I don't know if i am living in a deserted life on my own, maybe i haven't really getting myself updated with today's cultures. So, readers, tell me. If you are sticking with the tradition or you are complying the new one? Feel free to leave it here / inbox. As you wish .

Perhaps, the tradition is an ancient egyptian stories that has finally been buried along with the mummies. Moving on.

Another interrogation that i'd like to propose is that. . uhh how do i put this in a digestible sentences. My confidence are rather been so shaky lately. Afraid, if it might caved in or something. So, i googled ways to make do of that. And this is one of the panacea. Answer this. What do you think of me? Friends!!! Kinda need help here =D

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Spell meant to be broken

The sense of grateful intensified as i flipped through the modernized chapter of my life. The fresh scent of it diffused around the room, making me feel vibrant too. I can only engrave the most sincere smile on my face, sighing with relief. The agony has finally blown away , becoming another ancient history for me. It has reached its expiry date and now the table turns. I am the lucky winner for now. Enough said.

After a year and several months of falling for a guy that i doubt his existence, i am beginning to fathom in depth how foolish i was to be in love with his words, not him. You see, i can only love someone that i feel comfortable with. A guy that had something wrong with his brain. A guy that i can be so damn spoiled with, be scolded and whatnot. Yeah, that. He had everything. except, he was never really there. No dates, no phone calls. We had a bizarre love story. Hands down. Exquisite words hurl at the right time right place. Making me attached to him even more. Until, few months back when i could feel my heart fractured, with breaking sound when i spotted the same words we shared, has been sprinkled to other girls. With the s. I am a good stalker. =D

Yeah, love is like a battlefield. I was fighting for it, defending our love but he betrayed me. I felt as if my heart got struck by an arrow. I turned cold. Living without a heart for a while was like living without a soul. I never really gave up but my heart already surrendered. Its over. He wanted to work things out but he never did. I just waited for him, waiting for a miracle to emerge. Our love had finally ceased away and maybe, it wasn't love after all. I am over him, its over.

It has been months since i uttered those three words. ' i love you'. Maybe, you won't hear me saying that ever again.

Its a spell i just casted. No more saying that world until a true prince charming could break that spell. I believe in fairy tales. Let it be that way. Chow for now people!

Monday, November 1, 2010

You are not alone

People talk as if , i had never landed my feet onto the ground of relationships before. They speak, as if i never felt how its like to feel , as if a honed blade just cut my heart, leaving only wounds. They think, i never knew how is it like to be in a pool of tears shrouded my pillows at night. Those sleepless nights, those feeling that you get, those clenching feeling that you get on the heart, you just wanted to bawl, let everything out and get over it. Yeah, been there, done that.

But. . Just because, i am the girl that carves the biggest smile on my face when i'm around you, chuckling for infinity, jumping like a retard, i do have feelings, and i do cry myself to sleep. At times. . Then the mood swings back up again. That is me. . Come on, i am a girl . Sensitive, delicate and fragile. Harrowing fact to emit. If i were to list down, the love stories i had , the pages that i need to scribble is endless.

I garnered all the guidelines that my friends had lob towards me. All those textbook answers that you can read elsewhere. 'Move on!' The only thing that is affordable for people to speak.. Hey, i knew that already. Just, how do you make it more undemanding? How do you muster those guts when everything is falling apart? How can you even stand when your feet are dysfunctional? Like your body is living in a solitude, where bones and muscles quit functioning.

Now, my grip is strained between those wishes i've hurled. I've always wanted to change. I constructed that as a concrete wall! Let all those hurricanes collided to it, but there it is, standing still. Although it can manifest a few lines of cracks, it is still a wall. That won't change. I've moved on. With a distance that i feel contented. I knew, someday, somehow, there is a guy out there, will be perfect enough to be my knight and shining armor..

Moving on is the most onerous thing you could ever do. But its certainly worthwhile. I am now a bird.. well with broken wings perhaps.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Once upon a time. . .

Once upon a time, i never believed in marriage. I told everyone how i abhor that very 'thing' and it should be confiscated from the 'guidebook', the one that are set to be propagated to every mankind. Like a tradition. . .I told everyone, there is no way i am gonna get myself bound to someone, eternally, while carrying a mass of oath upon my shoulder. Never . You know why? It's because i was confined in a circle, where broken strings were mingling around my waist. I was 14/15 when my parents got divorced. And i was breathing in an era where, the wives aren't happy with the husbands. Cheating, unhappy, broken , you name it. Well, that was once upon a time . .

I was young and ignorant. I never believed in love. As i let my thoughts unstained, scrubbing it with my eyes wide open, i know love isn't mythical. I witnessed a few lovers, who were already at the verge of their life, where their breathe is already at ease. Yet, i can still see, like the spark is still burning fresh, you can tell , how madly they are in love, still is. That was the most ravishing thing i ever had my eyes set on. Which really thumped me hard. . Not everybody could sense that very feeling. So i swallowed back the words i've hurled once, i know marriage does exist. Good or bad, its how pure your love is to someone that clarifies everything. I should not be punishing myself by those farcical beliefs i've shaped once.

But , look around you. Once upon a time, the couples you've seen were falling head over heels for each other, now, they couldn't even get their hands embraced with one another. Marriage is marked as the most exquisite thing in one's chapter in life, why bother getting it contaminated?

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Life . . .

Hello readers, to the ones that read my gibberish posts habitually. I have been away from composing because i had this 'writer's block' thing. Its blooming like a tumor.

For the past couple of weeks, all windows were opened for me to fathom more about life. I had my eyes wide open along with my heart and mind this time. All this while, there was a blanket of dark clouds, covering above my head. There were fences built around me, like a hindrance to the sunny weather everyone had praised so much . I was caught in a snare where everything is so dark and dreary. I couldn't smile, yes , i wasn't happy.

Then , i let my thoughts linger again. The only problem was me. I was the one who constructed all those redundant fences that i couldn't even cross over. Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You gotta fight for it, strive for it, and you have to seek for it. They don't come to you, you are the one who have to take hold of it and never let go. Of course, i had my grip clenched tight once, but then it became slippery, so i lost all my beliefs. It was scattered everywhere. People took their life for granted. They thought life is all about having fun. Trying everything that you can possibly be getting. Smoke pots, drunk every night , etc. But have you ever thought, is that the reason why we live? To have fun ? Think again . . .

Life isn't all about moving on from a guy, or love . There's a lot more in life that are waiting to be discovered. You just gotta move your ass and trudge forward. Who said life is ever easy?

Monday, September 20, 2010

we are never the same. . .

I've been pushing a pencil for an entry for a week now, trying to crack the code to ajar the metallic door to my knowledge. I spent half of the day racking every drawers in my brain to scribble something. Anything . . In the end, i pushed the delete button because none of them financed a relief to my attempts. Words that i spelled couldn't bind well with one another. I knew i didn't pay the electricity bill as my mind was blacking out. . . .

Today , i flicked through a few videos that unleashed a stream of tears. I was weeping myself to a 3 hours nap, accompanied by tissues as my cozy blanket. I needed a tampon to shove it in my eyes as i caught myself standing in their shoes, feel what other feels. Woes to every second of it. I sharpened my belief on knowing that everyone has their own way to graph their plots in life. He may not go through what you've gone through and you may not go through what he has gone through. Humans have hearts but none of them are really utilizing it the way it should be. You should pitch a red light to all your ego, unwrapped yourself from the white lies you've created and stop making comparisons with anything else but yourself.

Monday, September 6, 2010

Tradition speaks.

The holy month of Ramadhan is about to take its departure soon. Tagging the month of Shawwal to administer the next month. As tradition speaks, its the day where tongues acknowledge the falsehood and come clean. Muslims took the gamble to wrap their ego and be apologetic for the day. Apparently, its a fresh new start for the ugly plots they had graphed together long ago. The blunders are marshaled and its time to make the sheets blank again.

I reminisced with every reflections of the past. I am 18 now , standing as a half child half adult. . When i was still a fresh meat, that very day is remarked as one of my favorite day in the calendar. I addressed such false apologies to everyone, to seek for rewards in return. lol. I was a successful entrepreneur back then. As the years flushed by, i lost my flair for that special occasion regarding to such family affairs. The delicacy of the day became paler each year. I lost the temptation to celebrate.

I am pointing my finger at my grandmother for every things she had done. So inhuman of her to pull our packets of joy. She was a harm to every happiness and i am never gonna excuse her from the picture. If it was not for her dirty little secrets, mum and dad would have never let their bonds been broken. If it wasn't for her, we could have preserved our status as a 'happy family' . I am in disguise to even let my gaze stops at her hypocrisy. She's so good in faking her deeds but not good enough. Her inferior actions are now visible enough for others to see. Too bad that the witnesses to her behavior lost their guts to come forward. *sigh* But what goes around comes around nenek. You'll see. Karma does exist and god is fair =)

Enough dramas. I am blending a sincere apologies this time to all my friends, followers, whoever. Happy eid fitri . Forgive me for all my wrongdoings. Words that ought to stab you and so on. Lets all together mend our broken strings. I am signing out now. Good bye.

Friday, September 3, 2010

coathed by the weather from the blues

Readers, its time for me to start seasoning my blog with new entry again. I am honoring my words by making constant updates. Challenging , but i need to sharpen my life with better things to do besides donating fats to my stomach and bulging my tension . . I am tasting the luscious freedom for a while. Drawing a finish line from things that wrestle with my bitter moods. I fed my immunity system with better words to digest . Making every internal organs of my body immune from any torments. . The whole system has been renewed. I computerized my brain to not key in the word 'vulnerable' and its siblings anymore. .

So, i was flicking through the pages in this magazine, and my gaze was stolen by this page about depression. Funny, every line fits the shape of my emotion which aches my vein. Its true that i was coated by the weather from the blues for months. I see my happiness dangled on the edge of its death from the windowpane and my hand was tight backwards. Useless. I was scratching my head the whole time, wondering what went wrong. I lost countless of hair for that, going bald. I pointed my finger at my hormones, but for once, they were innocent. It was just me. .

My mood beats along with the wave. Trembling on the ocean of pain. I am moodless half plus quarter of the day. Trust me, i was a fun person. Now, i am lost in the maze, seeking for my soul back. I am like a living corpse now, being pathetic. I miss being myself. Really do. And i am still proposing a research for the reasons to my behavior. Why cant i be happy?

So, readers, have you ever went moody for no reason ? Have you ever thought that you are just no longer you. Its hard for you to even laugh and brush-off the sick stiffen face of yours? If so, how do you cope with it.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Chronicle of a fairytale

edibledarkmark:  expectofuckingpatronum:  (via letstakeajoyride)
It has nothing to do with my entry . haha

Love and Relationship ? Maniacal twosome that are pregnant with delirious wonder. Perfect combination to unlatch one's vigilant mind from sanity. We have been warned by those 'authors' above us. As a precaution to flip the caution sign on.

From a break up to another , i had my dark moments. Moments where the dark side clouded my destiny and white flags were waving arrogantly on the air. I questioned my fate to my friends, and they gave me text book answers. They proposed me a guidebook to get myself back on shape. I was stunned with how words don't need to sweat at all while action is just fatal. To commit an action was like committing a suicide.

It was all in the handbook. The rules had been set by cupid since dinosaurs first made love. Cheating, divorce, break ups, marriage , etc. . Each of them had their own page to scribble in the handbook. Every mankind had different situations, but same meaning . Different adjectives but same subjective.

For the modern generation, everyone wants a perfect relationship. Like the ones that chronicled as fairy tales that always had happy endings. Do you know that you can make it happen still? Stop living in such bad romance and spice up with better ingredients this time.

Here's a little suggestion. For guys, start tutoring yourself with lessons to be loyal. Hold her, be there for her, take the risk, loosen your ego. Girls were designed with such velvety heart by god. One miniature thing you did could give her a mega and everlasting impact. Do whatever it takes to wrap her face with laughter. Priceless. When she is at her lowest, tighten your grip and push her from the back. Be the jacket to her soul, provide the best security to keep her secured. Keep your promises. And lastly, show her that you are the man. And a true man doesn't land their hands on their girls. =)

For girls, start lessen up your selfishness and be considerate. Stop being too fussy. Relationship doesn't involve on one party only. Start playing your roles and responsibility. They have feelings too. They're not some dildo for you to play with. Hold him , be there for him, let him know that you can be trusted. By the way girls, they are not your financial support or your city bank. Sucking their money out is a severe thing to do.

I guess, i need to push a fullstop for this entry now. See you soon. Thanks for reading

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Throw away the TANTRUM

Yesterday , i succumbed myself to my tantrum. I was heated to the extreme core that i felt like punching the wall in front of me. Wann
a break all 10 of my phalanges. But of course i didn't. I don't seek for any revenge to my body parts just to indulge my spoiled anger. The only thing that sponsored to my relief was my tongue. I conversed all sorts of obscene words that i could ever think off. lol. But , some of them doesn't make sense though and it doesn't lay on anydictionaries.

When spasm of wrath explodes, some people have their own ways to liquidate the fury. Some throw their handphones, some cut their wrist , some just cry and mostly, they go die. As for me, i will sob like a baby when i lost my grip to my tantrum. Nothing to lose except for those tears. To me, cutting your wrist or any other suicidal plans are for cowards. I don't seek to be labelled as a coward and attention seeker.The world is now full with labels. Other human beings easily blended their sentences with cynical adjectives to others. That fat b**ch. - - Big a**- - stupid**$@*Etc etc. indifferent0028 Free Emoticons   Indifferent

Well, i shouldn't be pointing my middle finger at them for being trained as hypocrites. If perfection is what they think they have, then we can just laugh at them. Don't squander your precious time for people like that. Just go ahead and send some mercy or probably a bigger mirror. =D

p/s - I am cutting off my tongue. LOL. not literally . I am trying to shrink my tantrum. Wish me luck!

Sunday, August 15, 2010

untitled. ( fiction )

The night was purely exquisite. Stars sprinkled on the horizon with an appealing full shaped moon in between. I felt the soft wind in my hair, greeting me with a friendly figure. It was everything but perfect. I was getting numb with the chill of the night, my bone starts to ache , until i'd sense a burning heat behind my waist. The kind of heat that could melt every solids in my body.

'You shouldn't be standing here all alone, love.' Those words dangled in my eardrums, familiar voice that made my heart skipped a beat every single day. The voice that i longed for every second of the day. Obsessive music to my ears. I flexed my muscles on both ends of my mouth, gratitude of having the love of my life with me.

My fingers crawled blindly and finally met the gaps between his. Perfect combination, like it has always been. I settled myself around his muscly arms, feeling cozy. It was significantly even better than my bed.

' I know. I was hoping that you'd come sooner. '

I cleared the lump that stuck in my throat, as an attempt to make it less vulnerable for me to speak. I turned myself around, opposing him this time, waist still embraced neatly by his muscular arms. He owns a body of an athlete, never fail to impress me with its snugness especially during this time. His brown hair was pushed backwards by the wind , like the models in those magazines, even better.

From his bulky lips to his nose, my eyes finally drew a line at his dark brown eyes, which triumphantly killed the army of strength in me. I felt the gravity under my feet that tugs me closer to its stomach. My knees tremble, preparing for a major fall. I knew he was the one to be blamed for this insanity.

For a second there, the exquisite scene of the night was trounced by this divine man. If only looks could kill, i would definitely be lying on my death bed already. As if he was perfectly carved by god himself, in heaven with angels circulated around his waist. I'd always thought that he was far too good to be true. At least, too good to be true for me. .

'I'll miss you. Do you really have to go ? ' I had to constrain the words out. My breathe was ceased, made it harder for me to say another word. I tried holding the tears from falling but my vision was getting hazy. Almost painful to keep it from blinking.

Nate is in the military force. Every once in a while, he will be called for duty. Most of the time, he will be spending his weekends at random places, Iraq, Afghanistan and more. He offered himself for that job, as he had always loved to help those poor souls. It took me years to accept his job, but it was never easy . Half of the day, i'd be busy praying for his safety, another half, i'd be crashing myself on my bed accompanied by tears, with hopes that the day would end soon. My life is meaningless and entirely worthless when he is not around. Its like living life without a soul inside.

'Yes baby. I am sorry. I had no other options, love. You know i'll miss you too. ' He was already brushing the tears that i didn't realize its existence, with his warm fingers that landed on my cheeks. I closed my eyelids, trying to stop the tears again. I was running out of words, speechless . I crashed myself on his broad chest, the only place that has the ability to make me feel comfortable and secure.

'Please don't cry sweetheart' He sounded guilty. 'I promise i'll be back before you even know it.' I'd tell there was a weakish smile imposed at the end of the sentence. He tried so hard to sound as persuasive as he can just to make me feel better. It worked well before this, but not now, not this time.

Letting him go this time was harder than i'd expected. It was not only for a weekend or two like he usually did, but it was for 6 consecutive months. I was losing fortitude to even breathe. My heart almost stopped beating. It was impossible. Impossible for me to pull myself together without a part of me. I couldn't stop myself from picturing my life without him by my side. It was a fatal decision for me to make and this is madness. Either way, there were no other options left. The only road that was not yet taken is to let go of him and see him in 6 months time. I wanted him to be there, with me, not thousands of miles away from me. Although it was a part of his responsibility, to help people in need, those hapless souls that needed him, i couldn't let him go. He is mine. Mine . .

to be continued.

written by,

sara lisa