Saturday, December 3, 2011

Life is more than just that...

Life... People may think, life is all about growing up,  do good deeds, pursuing your study, get a job, get married, have kids, and die.. But i think, life is more than just that.. Or let me rephrase that.. I KNOW life is more than just that..

My ears have been fed with excruciating words from the victims of life for the past couple of weeks.. And what they went through, spurred me on to start making my mind pregnant with foetus of thoughts.. I started to question about everything..

We were born into this world with a mission engraved on our heart.. Engraved by God.. So if you think, our mission is to live life just so that we could get good job, good money, and whatnot, think about it again.. What does Allah get from all these stuff that we are doing? Nothing.. We are his slave after all..

Look around you... Look at the other side of the picture.. Look at those moribund people who have been shouting for help from the midst of darkness.. But nobody could hear them.. We, we know about what's going on but how could we live another day, without doing anything about that? I know i have been feeling as though masses of guiltiness are pinned to my shoulder every single day.. It's not easy..

I believe, our mission is to ponder the book that Allah gave us.. The book defines life.. Life of a Muslim.. Stop listening to anyone, other scriptures and just read the book.. That is Allah's words my friends.. He said he protects the book.. When you are in doubt, or you are having trouble deciphering it, close your eyes and talk to Him.. Because he's there.. 

Sunday, November 6, 2011

It's not easy..

"I don't know if i will still have the chance to see you and your brothers accomplished something.. See your little brother graduate..That is my main goal you know.." 

These words broke free from this man's lips.. Words that are enough to slit my heart open.. I strived to let my tears settle down but it went out like a bad menstrual flow.. You see, he is not just some man.. He brought me into this world.. He has been keeping me safe as though i am his everything since the first time i cried.. He has been giving me everything that a little girl could ever wish for.. He has given me love that any child could ever need. I am his princess.. his one and only.. People, i call him.. my papa..

Those words, were adorned with keen edges.. He's 61 years old and i am his first child.. At that age? He should already be travelling half across the world by now, relaxing by the beach.. play with his grandkids.. His kids are the ones who should be taking care of him.. Not otherwise.. But fate is fate.. What can i do?

Every night, i will sleep with my pillow flooded with tears, thinking.. what if today is going to be his last day? What if i don't really have the chance to make him proud? All those 'what ifs' flooding into the back of my mind, killing my soul bit by bit..

I love you so much papa.. I really do.. I know what i am capable of and i know i can make you proud.. Coz i believe in myself like you always do.. 

I can't scribble more.. These tears are not letting me.. 

Bottom line is.. I really hope that my dad would still be alive for the next 20 years.. That is MY goal..

And i can never picture myself living without him..He is my everything..My world.. My universe.. My heart.. My soul.. If he's gone, nearly everything about me is gone..

Ya Allah, please just don't take him away from me yet.. At least not when i am not ready..

So good bye for now..

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Familia.. =)

Dear readers, 

I feel like scribbling a few lines about something.. About............... family. I just feel like eradicating these baggages of thoughts off my shoulder.. so yeah..

If you have a family..  A complete family.. Then i hate you.. Okay no.. Good for you.. I hate to break it to you but nothing lasts forever.. The bonds and strings that you have clinging to one another, treasure that while you still can.. Coz behind those bonds and strings, there's a lil bit of uncertainty. You are not God. You can't predict the future so might as well, get your guts up and prepare for the worst..

And when that day comes.. The day whereby the strings finally loosen *perhaps bitten by cupids themselves* you should know that life is a bloody straight road.. There's no U-turn.. You can cry all you want, even till your eyeballs jump out, you can't have those moments back.. The only thing you could live with is your memories.. WHICH will grow dimmer at one edge.. Who would have thought the sweeeetest memories could turn out to be the most bitter ones?

If you have a broken family.. Or an incomplete one. Apparently, the victim to a broken marriage..  or to death even.. Hey, you are not alone. The divorce rate is so high that i am afraid it has already touched the sky.. And death.. Death is like a tradition? People die.. The reality can be a bitch but that's how it is..

I feel you though.. Looking at other people's happy family, thinking, why can't i have that?? Why can't my family be perfect too? Why me? As much as i want to put the past behind my butt i couldn't.. It is hypocritical though.. I can't deny.. My parents are divorced but they are still the best of friends but yet, it's different.. I cry myself to sleep at times thinking, why can't i have back those good old times?? Why can't they be married again?? Looking at a perfect happy family thinking "Hey, i had that too" But nahh, the more i think about it, the more i realize that i should not be fretting about something that has already happened. 

On the bright side, at least my parents still see and talk to each other... That is good enough.. *behind every dark cloud, there's always a silver lining* I'd like to stick with that belief.

So i looked at the side of the picture.. The ones that don't really have a family.. Lost them to God's hands, etc.. Now, that is just.............tragic. There are babies who were born as an orphan.. Wow, that is one challenging journey.. So, with all those flashbacks about how atrocious other people lives are compared to mine, i began to assemble all those broken pieces, those leftovers that i still can have... trying my best to appreciate what i still have..

But hey, i am just flashing you a warning sign here.. Do appreciate your family. You will never know when the deadline is.. If you know what i mean. And.. my heart sinks a bit when i see people who could say something like "I can't wait to move out from the house!" or shits like that. You people are assholes..

Friday, October 7, 2011

The world is a stage

While the cloud was shedding tears, my mind was shedding thoughts. I rolled my eyes to every possible angle i could get, trying to scrutinize my surrounding.. And the aftermath was nothing but an ounce of misery..

The world is a stage.. And we are the players.. Every and each one of us has a role to play.. 

Most of us, may be the lucky ones.. Some of us, are living in heaven on earth.. We have a family.. We have a shelter.. We have food.. We have a home.. Some of us may have more than just one home.. We can indulge our wants.. Some can afford Ferrari, Lambo.. Lucky bitches.. 

And then there are other roles. The unfortunate ones.. Who get to live life differently.. Some of them were born to be an orphan, born with diseases, born with no hands or no legs, born with no senses, born with no face.. okay that's just too much.. So on and so forth.. No family.. no home.. no food.. Yes, they exist.. And like us, believe it or not, they have feelings too. They can cry. They need the needs that we need. 

The thought of them really oozed me with sadness.. But then my heart soothed a bit and i smiled.. The lucky ones in this world are not always lucky later on in the hereafter and these unfortunate ones.. With a bit of patience, they belong to no where else but the heaven.. The paradise that god created himself..

Sometimes i wonder, why do we have to take life so seriously when we are going to die anyway? This is not real. This is just a test. Some stage. Yet, most of us, live life like this is the only life we are gonna have.. It's not..

And before you feel sorry for these people, you should feel sorry for yourself.. For letting them live at the side of the street this way.. Some of them are old enough to be your parents or grandparents,  and some of them are young enough to be your siblings.

When you see these people.. Don't just look at them and feel sorry.. Help them.. They don't need your sympathy..

And dear assholes who tend to hurt them some more, give them insults instead of lending your hand.. You should probably start burning yourself now.. You know, practice makes perfect. 

Saturday, October 1, 2011

At the other side of the world...

Are you familiar with these pictures? No? Then you should jump off a cliff. 

Though i feel like gluing more pictures on my page but i couldn't. I lost the audacity as here i am, pursing my lips.. trying to hold back the tears.. These kind of pictures have never failed to tingle my eyes with woe. 

I can bet with all the money in my pocket (nothing) that you have heard so much about these people. These humans. These lives. Like us. They are not beasts nor aliens. They can't go on a day without eating.  They have to witness the death of their loved ones taking a departure forever.. But they left with no option. Their grief is bloody. Our grief could never kiss the butt of their grief. Never. 

So if you'll be like 'I have the most fucked up life on Earth' then you should probably eat yourself.

While they are struggling to survive.. While they are lying down under the scorching sun, praying and hoping for a better future.. While their brothers and sisters, or moms and dads, are at their death beds, cause of famine.. 

There is this one motherfucker multiplied by millions that are like this.

That one fat ass burger can feed at least 10 kids in Somalia. Where is the sense in that? I wonder. 

No wonder god takes the life of these obese people first. He's trying to save the food for the needy. 

Till then.


The torment intensified as i set my gaze on dad's disappointed face. I'd do anything to turn back the time, efface the frown on his face, eradicate the tension that he has been feeling .. but i couldn't. I have to abide the fact that i am his biggest disappointment.

If i could put a bullet in my brain, just to end this splendid misery, i would.. And if i could hoist the white flag up high in the sky, i would.. But i couldn't and i won't..I don't want to live with that 'Loser' feeling for the rest of my unpleasant life.. 

That horrible looking girl in this picture, i wish i could warn her not to hurt my father like i just did.. That man in this picture, he is my soul. He is my knight and shining armor. He is my very own version of superman. I want him to be happy. Always. He deserves it more than anyone else. 

Seeing him growing older and older each day is making me feel so tensed. I hate that i am not capable of doing anything about it. I am losing grip. sigh. I wonder if i would have the chance to make things right before his body stiffens..

Monday, September 26, 2011


So i sat at the side of this queen sized bed..Did what i do best which was..nothing..And out of the blue, this one mundane word dived into my very own pool of thoughts.. The word that is combined with these letters "I-N-S-E-C-U-R-I-T-Y"

I had been living with this feeling since puberty.. Of course, it has been really handy when it comes to crushing every bit of my confidence that is.. When i see pretty girls, i can't help but to feel so small.. So small that my cat's paw could squeeze the loser juice out of me.. When i see girls/boys with nice hair, again, i feel like running into the public toilet and shave my head bald with hopes that i'd look like Britney.. *dream on*. When i see girls with abs, i feel like chopping my oversized belly with a saw.. Life is soooooooooo.. 

Thanks to Mrs. Insecurity, i loathe the mirror so much.. I like to look at my reflection only when the sun is down.. 

But then i realize, insecurity is an unhealthy shit.. If i keep on drenching myself with these thoughts, i could only hurt myself even more..I can never construct my confidence.. I will always feel like a loser with a major L carved on my forehead.. Confidence is sexy but i am no where near that..Sad case.. 

So what if my hair can break a brush, so what if my face is covered with obvious flaws, so what if i am too thin or i am too fat, or i have oversized belly.. My boyfriend thinks i am beautiful (Though i keep on telling him to go see an optometrist) but i guess what he thinks is enough to keep me 

So if you readers are as insecure as i am, cut this feeling. It is unhealthy. Like HIV.. or AIDS.. 

Signing out.. Have a pleasant day!

Monday, July 11, 2011

Insomnia? Maybe..

Hello readers, it has been decades since i last signed in. Well okay, maybe i did stretch the truth a little. Today, is marked on a calendar as the official start for a magnificent countdown. One paper down,  five more to go! I shall end my countdown with fireworks that are made from burning papers . ( Apparently, 'papers' are a complete mixture of lecture slides, notes that my fingers worked on till they literally sweat, and the books!) 

Tonight, like any other nights, my hypothetical cup of emotion is filled with depression. I can't seem to glue my eyelids together! I am aware that the word 'INSOMNIA' is still screaming from the vocabulary bawling "It's me! It's me!" through my ears. Alas, i still don't think that word says it all. So i suppose i am unofficially.. suffering for what they call, insomnia.

Of course, I am not even qualified to be resting myself on the bed of roses. Well for now.. 

Last night, I did beg Mr google for his magical help but he proposed a few crappy magics that appeared to be dysfunctional.. sigh.. I am aware that my body clock is ticking anti-clockwise. I am aware that insomnia is fatal. Again, stretching the truth a little. 

Perhaps, the door to my dreamland is kicking me out from it's land.
Damnnnn! I am incredibly clueless about finding a fullstop to this disease. I shall clench my both palm together , and hope for the misery to end. 

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

love is........

Love? Familiar word huh? Once upon a time, i really thought i knew what love was all about and now as the clock ticks further, my knowledge became more shallower each day. I've always thought that love is all about being with someone you devote your soul to. Like, when you are with him/her, you get this tingly sense of excitement burning underneath your chest. You feel like you're standing on top of the world and nothing else really matters. Because you are in love. And i thought that those feelings are tattooed on your soul forever. That was then..

When i sit and ponder, and when pictures of other love birds falling into my glimpse, i just lost my stand. One time, you can see two love birds, falling head over heels for each other and the next second, they are no longer in that lovey dovey moment. Feelings are washed away by the waves of blues. What is love anyway? It comes and go like a season. Is it supposed to be that way? Cupids unleash their arrows to fellow people's butts with hopes that those victims will get hurt, bit by bit. With arrows that had a sign that say ' TAG! your turn to die!' I am beginning to think that cupids are the demons of love.

Of course, some may get away with this thing called 'love'. They may survive until their breath is at ease. I do believe in love. When that belief starts to totter, i rest my gaze at those old couples that still hold hands and saunter above the ground together. They may not be at their best condition but they sure have the widest grin upon their face. Why? Because they are with their soulmates. My mind is flooded with waves of curiosity. Love.. what is love? Those feelings, do they come and go? Things i will never understand.. for now.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

letter to my boyfriend

Dear boyfriend,

I know, words don't speak but here I am, scribbling this letter with my heart beating loud with sincerity. Believe me when i say, every words that you are glancing at , are coming straight from my heart, not from my butt.

A year ago, my life has been nothing but wrapped with terrifically monotonous scenes. I was living life with a horribly wounded heart. I was cold and insensitive a year ago. I had a solid belief that there's no way i am gonna get myself attached to anyone. Though i tried to liquefy it at times, i failed horribly. There were a few welcoming hearts that offered me solace, as much as i wanted to give relationship a try, i knew i could never love them. Ever. Then, you, guiltlessly walked into my life, cluelessly and aimlessly. Unlike any other human beings that i speak to everyday, you were smothered with absurdity. In a good way. I could talk to you all day, making the word 'tedious' and it's siblings faded from my vocabulary inevitably.

From an uninteresting chapter, it became marvelous. Because of you. I never knew how littlest thing that you said to me could mean so much to me.

I remember, waiting and wishing for you to say 'hi' to me everyday. I know you never say hi. Your 'hello' is a bit too peculiar. I never knew why after all people, not talking to you for a day would make me frown in return. I didn't grasp the reasons to all my unusual behaviors but i just know that you were the answer to all the things that were happening to me. I remember, sitting at the side of my bed, pondering.. I thought, hey there's no reason for me to care about you.. There's no happy endings and of course, you will never be mine.. I remember, asking mom if putting towering hopes on you and knowing the upshots too are all worth the ache. I remember crying myself to sleep, for not knowing what i should do too. You you you. It's all about you baby.

But to brush off those pessimism that my mind gave birth to, you are now mine. It's been 2 months since we became one piece. There were moments when i still look at you, and whispered to myself this, 'This was the guy that gave me so much thoughts to think about. This was the guy that i was crazy about and still is. This was the guy that i almost gave up on. This was the guy that made me think that, it was nearly too impossible for you to like me in return, let alone, love me. This was the guy that i never thought i would love this much. This was the guy that has been making me feel so darn miserable back then'

Was , were. They are all past tenses. Loving the present and i'm anxious to know what our 'will' gonna turn out to be.

I love you and i do mean these 8 common letters whenever i say this to you.


your girlfriend

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

For my baby, again.

this shows how annoying you are

Earlier today, my mind was loaded with a baggage of thoughts. Few minutes ago, it breaks free from it's origin, leaving me gasped in wonder. I was so depressed today when my mind composed a sentence that says ' i am not good enough for you baby'. It wasn't you, it was me. Being with you, makes me feel like being in a carnival. I am drenched with bliss. Living like a carefree lil kid, like i never had the word 'torment' inside my vocabulary.

When we start crossing swords, i was so afraid that you'd step a pace forward and forget me. My heart screams in terror whenever we exchange blows. I don't want to lose you love. Never. I feel safe when your arms are wrapped around me. I feel safe when you are sitting next to me, under those exquisite scene of the stars, and you being downright irritating. When i am with you, i am immune to any sadness. I want those moments to be permanent. I don't want these sparks between us to ever be a history. I want you to always be mine...

I constructed a wall made with our love this time. As a shelter from any hurdles that we might face in the future. Here i am, offering you my hand for you to construct this together with me. So that, there's a guarantee that we will be together for long.

Life, originally , is like an empty page for everyone. I sketched and drafted a few lines and shapes that resembles what my life is all about... And i leave this to you to paint it for me baby. Loving you is my job. Making you happy is my firm mission. I gambled my heart this time, in this battlefield of love, for you. =) I wanna be in your arms at all times. Whisper those three words, and i'll always be yours.

Here i am, graphing a sincere apology , again for you baby. Sorry if i accidentally get your heart wounded. Sorry if i made you sad. I know the word sorry has no valuable meanings but i am sorry, and i love you so much.


your lovely princesssss!

Thursday, March 17, 2011

something for me to awe about

I let my world painted with black and white yesterday. Inundated with silence as i pushed the 'pause' button so that i could catch a breath. Like always, i had the appetite to stop and stare for a while. Though i was sitting in a rowdy crowd that had no space for silence, the only thing i could listen to was the buzzing sound that my thoughts were making. So i kept my lips sealed, ears clogged up and kept my eyes wide open!

Who knew, glimpsing at other people could be so entertaining? Who knew just by glancing, you could really change your stand?
While the clouds were shedding tears, my mind was shedding thoughts. The atmosphere that i was breathing in was invaded by an army of gloom. I rolled my eyes side to side, with hopes that I’d get something in return. Of course, I did. Heart wrenching scenes of an old disabled man, on a wheelchair, trying to cross the road all by himself. I saw old men, sleeping at the side of the road. I saw a mother and a baby sat at the other side of the place, panhandling for money. I saw a kid, possibly my baby brother’s age, trudged around the place with conspicuous hopes scribbled on his forehead. Hopes that speak for him. Also, he was dressed in with a torn shirt, barefoot too!
At the other side of the picture, lies other subjects that are destined to live otherwise. Women who had dozens of shopping bags wrapped around their wrists. Men who had expensive coats wrapped around their body.People who do own an endless supply of 'notes made by devils' a.k.a *money* inside their pocket. I'm transfixed by those scene i could glance at. Different people, living in one scene. I'm running out of words...
So I amassed all those images that my eyes could capture, and begin to ponder.. about life... My heart was wrapped with guilt . While i was busy squandering my money for those clothes and whatnot, i realize that there are people who actually needed the money more than me. For basic needs. For survival. It isn't humane. sigh =/
Like us, they have feelings too. Yet, nearly all of us treat these 'unfortunate' people like trash coated with bull's dung. Like they're some kind of robot that had no bloody feelings for us to mull over. I wonder what's happening to the world exactly. The word 'humanity' is mutating into 'animality' perhaps.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

For my one and only

Today, the waves from the ocean of my mind finally crashed into the shore of my senses. I drowned myself inside the oodles of thoughts about you when you hurled those despicable words at me ling. What slipped from your tongue made me savvy a stream of new things. I was hurt, i wanted to just whack you with a stick and choke you and see you die but maybe you were right after all. The bottom-line is, I was wrong. So, here I am, addressing an apology that's coming directly from my heart to you, love. I am sorry for making you feel that way.

When you are with me, i felt like a newborn baby again. Your taste of comfort is surreptitiously growing sweeter. So sweet that i yearn to be closed to you at all times. Your taste of comfort keeps my heart warm. I love how protective you can be and seeing you jealous, makes me smile. =D

By some means, i felt as if you are my knight and shining armor that i've always been dreaming of. =) My mind has always been pregnant with 'what ifs'. What if you hurt me ling. What if i hurt you. And i don't feel like going through this process where my heart breaks into lil pieces, and i have to watch you go. . My mind is painted with black thoughts and do neutralize it for me. And, i kept on thinking, (favorite what if of all time) i don't deserve anyone like you. For once, i admit i felt like a devil in an angel form . =D You are my angel =)

I made an oath to not fall for anyone but i failed. Who in the world could ever stop themselves from falling? No one. So, yes i lost myself to the gravity. In this case, you are my gravity. And your love is my gravitational force. =) I was transfixed when i heard those three words from you. But when i say 'I love you ling', it is not an empty promise. I can tell you this everyday without having even a pinch of apathy. *Told you i can be sweet!*

So here i am, scribbling these words at 4.49 am, telling you how much you mean to me. Every time the clock ticks, i had my mind painted with your face. Horrid truth! Everything that i see or do reminds me of you. I know i can be a real pain in the ass , and i know i can be annoying, and i know that i speak or do things without thinking. I know i know. But believe me when i say, hurting you is the last thing i would ever want to do ling.

Ps- i love you. =)

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

that's the way it's gonna be =D

The picture. uhh i wanted to sneeze hahahah =D

Words and i are no longer in a good term. I've lost the urge to speak English, ( Now i speak barbarian language that i, myself dont understand), and lost the urge to write. There's a gigantic lump that has been growing inside my head recently . I love to write and i am pretty sure it loves me too ( not ) but by some means, we are not sleeping in the same bed no more. I hope i won't be getting any divorced letter soon..

I just feel like composing something so here goes. I've been falling in and out of love for roughly about , subtract 1 and several months from 5 years. It wasn't easy. I broke people's heart and likewise, i got my heart broken . Like a vicious circle! It goes and on and on so i pulled off for a while. Catching a long deep deep breathe. Unfortunately, still catching. . Now i am almost breathless. It took me months to finally get a grip of my real self, balanced it out a bit and what not. When someone says, you don't need someone to live. Well there was a phase where i believed in that.. but after millions of ticking sounds that buzzed inside my ear, it isn't entirely true peeps. Of course we do!

I have this 'miserable' mood, blinking like a LED sign inside my head. It goes on and off. It was permanently on back then but now, i guess the current inside the circuit is not flowing right. I am happy with my life. I have this artificial hypothesis, inside my head saying ' don't screw the chance to be happy now. wait , keep on waiting and the real guy will come to you'. So i did it. I waited. Still waiting. I get baffled most of the time, thinking maybe if he's the one, or him or that guard, or that janitor. But i had enough with that. As much as i want the heartbreaks to end, as much as i i want the next relationship to be the last one, i know i can't be prophesying the future. I'll just stick to wherever the 'river' flows and be happy.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

On new year's eve . . .

Last night, while fireworks resonated across the Lion City , i stood there in the crowd, awing about almost everything. I took a glimpse of the vicinity, and glanced at the faces of people around me. They were all standing there, astonished by the performance, applauding and welcoming 2011 with the biggest smile and roaring cheer ever. Everyone was enraptured by the fact that 2010 has finally left the building. Their promising faces, reminds me of the faces of hungry beasts, preparing to hunt for food again. Creepy but amusing to watch.

Unlike my previous years , this year i shared my enthusiasm and joy with my family. I celebrated the birth of 2011 with different people, different places, different sensation. I was embraced with depression, knowing how time is moving so fast that i can hardly even catch up. The thought of getting older and older, the thought of losing loved ones, the thought of knowing nothing lasts forever were starting to smear across the atmosphere. I was suffocated, trying to choke back the tears. I just had a mysterious vibe that 2011 will be different. I hope i am right, in a good way.

Dear readers, if you don't opt for a good change, then when will you ever step up? What if the world does end on 2012? Do you have enough deeds to guarantee you a good afterlife?