The world is a stage

While the cloud was shedding tears, my mind was shedding thoughts. I rolled my eyes to every possible angle i could get, trying to scrutinize my surrounding.. And the aftermath was nothing but an ounce of misery..


The world is a stage.. And we are the players.. Every and each one of us has a role to play.. 


Most of us, may be the lucky ones.. Some of us, are living in heaven on earth.. We have a family.. We have a shelter.. We have food.. We have a home.. Some of us may have more than just one home.. We can indulge our wants.. Some can afford Ferrari, Lambo.. Lucky bitches.. 

And then there are other roles. The unfortunate ones.. Who get to live life differently.. Some of them were born to be an orphan, born with diseases, born with no hands or no legs, born with no senses, born with no face.. okay that's just too much.. So on and so forth.. No family.. no home.. no food.. Yes, they exist.. And like us, believe it or not, they have feelings too. They can cry. They need the needs that we need. 

The thought of them really oozed me with sadness.. But then my heart soothed a bit and i smiled.. The lucky ones in this world are not always lucky later on in the hereafter and these unfortunate ones.. With a bit of patience, they belong to no where else but the heaven.. The paradise that god created himself..

Sometimes i wonder, why do we have to take life so seriously when we are going to die anyway? This is not real. This is just a test. Some stage. Yet, most of us, live life like this is the only life we are gonna have.. It's not..


And before you feel sorry for these people, you should feel sorry for yourself.. For letting them live at the side of the street this way.. Some of them are old enough to be your parents or grandparents,  and some of them are young enough to be your siblings.


When you see these people.. Don't just look at them and feel sorry.. Help them.. They don't need your sympathy..


And dear assholes who tend to hurt them some more, give them insults instead of lending your hand.. You should probably start burning yourself now.. You know, practice makes perfect. 

At the other side of the world...

Are you familiar with these pictures? No? Then you should jump off a cliff. 

Though i feel like gluing more pictures on my page but i couldn't. I lost the audacity as here i am, pursing my lips.. trying to hold back the tears.. These kind of pictures have never failed to tingle my eyes with woe. 

I can bet with all the money in my pocket (nothing) that you have heard so much about these people. These humans. These lives. Like us. They are not beasts nor aliens. They can't go on a day without eating.  They have to witness the death of their loved ones taking a departure forever.. But they left with no option. Their grief is bloody. Our grief could never kiss the butt of their grief. Never. 

So if you'll be like 'I have the most fucked up life on Earth' then you should probably eat yourself.

While they are struggling to survive.. While they are lying down under the scorching sun, praying and hoping for a better future.. While their brothers and sisters, or moms and dads, are at their death beds, cause of famine.. 

There is this one motherfucker multiplied by millions that are like this.

That one fat ass burger can feed at least 10 kids in Somalia. Where is the sense in that? I wonder. 

No wonder god takes the life of these obese people first. He's trying to save the food for the needy. 

Till then.

title-less

The torment intensified as i set my gaze on dad's disappointed face. I'd do anything to turn back the time, efface the frown on his face, eradicate the tension that he has been feeling .. but i couldn't. I have to abide the fact that i am his biggest disappointment.


If i could put a bullet in my brain, just to end this splendid misery, i would.. And if i could hoist the white flag up high in the sky, i would.. But i couldn't and i won't..I don't want to live with that 'Loser' feeling for the rest of my unpleasant life.. 


That horrible looking girl in this picture, i wish i could warn her not to hurt my father like i just did.. That man in this picture, he is my soul. He is my knight and shining armor. He is my very own version of superman. I want him to be happy. Always. He deserves it more than anyone else. 


Seeing him growing older and older each day is making me feel so tensed. I hate that i am not capable of doing anything about it. I am losing grip. sigh. I wonder if i would have the chance to make things right before his body stiffens..

Insecurity..

So i sat at the side of this queen sized bed..Did what i do best which was..nothing..And out of the blue, this one mundane word dived into my very own pool of thoughts.. The word that is combined with these letters "I-N-S-E-C-U-R-I-T-Y"


I had been living with this feeling since puberty.. Of course, it has been really handy when it comes to crushing every bit of my confidence that is.. When i see pretty girls, i can't help but to feel so small.. So small that my cat's paw could squeeze the loser juice out of me.. When i see girls/boys with nice hair, again, i feel like running into the public toilet and shave my head bald with hopes that i'd look like Britney.. *dream on*. When i see girls with abs, i feel like chopping my oversized belly with a saw.. Life is soooooooooo.. 


Thanks to Mrs. Insecurity, i loathe the mirror so much.. I like to look at my reflection only when the sun is down.. 


But then i realize, insecurity is an unhealthy shit.. If i keep on drenching myself with these thoughts, i could only hurt myself even more..I can never construct my confidence.. I will always feel like a loser with a major L carved on my forehead.. Confidence is sexy but i am no where near that..Sad case.. 


So what if my hair can break a brush, so what if my face is covered with obvious flaws, so what if i am too thin or i am too fat, or i have oversized belly.. My boyfriend thinks i am beautiful (Though i keep on telling him to go see an optometrist) but i guess what he thinks is enough to keep me 
survive..


So if you readers are as insecure as i am, cut this feeling. It is unhealthy. Like HIV.. or AIDS.. 


Signing out.. Have a pleasant day!

Insomnia? Maybe..

Hello readers, it has been decades since i last signed in. Well okay, maybe i did stretch the truth a little. Today, is marked on a calendar as the official start for a magnificent countdown. One paper down,  five more to go! I shall end my countdown with fireworks that are made from burning papers . ( Apparently, 'papers' are a complete mixture of lecture slides, notes that my fingers worked on till they literally sweat, and the books!) 

Tonight, like any other nights, my hypothetical cup of emotion is filled with depression. I can't seem to glue my eyelids together! I am aware that the word 'INSOMNIA' is still screaming from the vocabulary bawling "It's me! It's me!" through my ears. Alas, i still don't think that word says it all. So i suppose i am unofficially.. suffering for what they call, insomnia.




Of course, I am not even qualified to be resting myself on the bed of roses. Well for now.. 


Last night, I did beg Mr google for his magical help but he proposed a few crappy magics that appeared to be dysfunctional.. sigh.. I am aware that my body clock is ticking anti-clockwise. I am aware that insomnia is fatal. Again, stretching the truth a little. 


Perhaps, the door to my dreamland is kicking me out from it's land.
Damnnnn! I am incredibly clueless about finding a fullstop to this disease. I shall clench my both palm together , and hope for the misery to end. 

love is........

Love? Familiar word huh? Once upon a time, i really thought i knew what love was all about and now as the clock ticks further, my knowledge became more shallower each day. I've always thought that love is all about being with someone you devote your soul to. Like, when you are with him/her, you get this tingly sense of excitement burning underneath your chest. You feel like you're standing on top of the world and nothing else really matters. Because you are in love. And i thought that those feelings are tattooed on your soul forever. That was then..

When i sit and ponder, and when pictures of other love birds falling into my glimpse, i just lost my stand. One time, you can see two love birds, falling head over heels for each other and the next second, they are no longer in that lovey dovey moment. Feelings are washed away by the waves of blues. What is love anyway? It comes and go like a season. Is it supposed to be that way? Cupids unleash their arrows to fellow people's butts with hopes that those victims will get hurt, bit by bit. With arrows that had a sign that say ' TAG! your turn to die!' I am beginning to think that cupids are the demons of love.

Of course, some may get away with this thing called 'love'. They may survive until their breath is at ease. I do believe in love. When that belief starts to totter, i rest my gaze at those old couples that still hold hands and saunter above the ground together. They may not be at their best condition but they sure have the widest grin upon their face. Why? Because they are with their soulmates. My mind is flooded with waves of curiosity. Love.. what is love? Those feelings, do they come and go? Things i will never understand.. for now.

letter to my boyfriend

Dear boyfriend,

I know, words don't speak but here I am, scribbling this letter with my heart beating loud with sincerity. Believe me when i say, every words that you are glancing at , are coming straight from my heart, not from my butt.

A year ago, my life has been nothing but wrapped with terrifically monotonous scenes. I was living life with a horribly wounded heart. I was cold and insensitive a year ago. I had a solid belief that there's no way i am gonna get myself attached to anyone. Though i tried to liquefy it at times, i failed horribly. There were a few welcoming hearts that offered me solace, as much as i wanted to give relationship a try, i knew i could never love them. Ever. Then, you, guiltlessly walked into my life, cluelessly and aimlessly. Unlike any other human beings that i speak to everyday, you were smothered with absurdity. In a good way. I could talk to you all day, making the word 'tedious' and it's siblings faded from my vocabulary inevitably.

From an uninteresting chapter, it became marvelous. Because of you. I never knew how littlest thing that you said to me could mean so much to me.

I remember, waiting and wishing for you to say 'hi' to me everyday. I know you never say hi. Your 'hello' is a bit too peculiar. I never knew why after all people, not talking to you for a day would make me frown in return. I didn't grasp the reasons to all my unusual behaviors but i just know that you were the answer to all the things that were happening to me. I remember, sitting at the side of my bed, pondering.. I thought, hey there's no reason for me to care about you.. There's no happy endings and of course, you will never be mine.. I remember, asking mom if putting towering hopes on you and knowing the upshots too are all worth the ache. I remember crying myself to sleep, for not knowing what i should do too. You you you. It's all about you baby.

But to brush off those pessimism that my mind gave birth to, you are now mine. It's been 2 months since we became one piece. There were moments when i still look at you, and whispered to myself this, 'This was the guy that gave me so much thoughts to think about. This was the guy that i was crazy about and still is. This was the guy that i almost gave up on. This was the guy that made me think that, it was nearly too impossible for you to like me in return, let alone, love me. This was the guy that i never thought i would love this much. This was the guy that has been making me feel so darn miserable back then'

Was , were. They are all past tenses. Loving the present and i'm anxious to know what our 'will' gonna turn out to be.

I love you and i do mean these 8 common letters whenever i say this to you.

sincerely,

your girlfriend

For my baby, again.

this shows how annoying you are

Earlier today, my mind was loaded with a baggage of thoughts. Few minutes ago, it breaks free from it's origin, leaving me gasped in wonder. I was so depressed today when my mind composed a sentence that says ' i am not good enough for you baby'. It wasn't you, it was me. Being with you, makes me feel like being in a carnival. I am drenched with bliss. Living like a carefree lil kid, like i never had the word 'torment' inside my vocabulary.

When we start crossing swords, i was so afraid that you'd step a pace forward and forget me. My heart screams in terror whenever we exchange blows. I don't want to lose you love. Never. I feel safe when your arms are wrapped around me. I feel safe when you are sitting next to me, under those exquisite scene of the stars, and you being downright irritating. When i am with you, i am immune to any sadness. I want those moments to be permanent. I don't want these sparks between us to ever be a history. I want you to always be mine...

I constructed a wall made with our love this time. As a shelter from any hurdles that we might face in the future. Here i am, offering you my hand for you to construct this together with me. So that, there's a guarantee that we will be together for long.

Life, originally , is like an empty page for everyone. I sketched and drafted a few lines and shapes that resembles what my life is all about... And i leave this to you to paint it for me baby. Loving you is my job. Making you happy is my firm mission. I gambled my heart this time, in this battlefield of love, for you. =) I wanna be in your arms at all times. Whisper those three words, and i'll always be yours.

Here i am, graphing a sincere apology , again for you baby. Sorry if i accidentally get your heart wounded. Sorry if i made you sad. I know the word sorry has no valuable meanings but i am sorry, and i love you so much.

Sincerely,

your lovely princesssss!

something for me to awe about

I let my world painted with black and white yesterday. Inundated with silence as i pushed the 'pause' button so that i could catch a breath. Like always, i had the appetite to stop and stare for a while. Though i was sitting in a rowdy crowd that had no space for silence, the only thing i could listen to was the buzzing sound that my thoughts were making. So i kept my lips sealed, ears clogged up and kept my eyes wide open!

Who knew, glimpsing at other people could be so entertaining? Who knew just by glancing, you could really change your stand?

While the clouds were shedding tears, my mind was shedding thoughts. The atmosphere that i was breathing in was invaded by an army of gloom. I rolled my eyes side to side, with hopes that I’d get something in return. Of course, I did. Heart wrenching scenes of an old disabled man, on a wheelchair, trying to cross the road all by himself. I saw old men, sleeping at the side of the road. I saw a mother and a baby sat at the other side of the place, panhandling for money. I saw a kid, possibly my baby brother’s age, trudged around the place with conspicuous hopes scribbled on his forehead. Hopes that speak for him. Also, he was dressed in with a torn shirt, barefoot too!

At the other side of the picture, lies other subjects that are destined to live otherwise. Women who had dozens of shopping bags wrapped around their wrists. Men who had expensive coats wrapped around their body.People who do own an endless supply of 'notes made by devils' a.k.a *money* inside their pocket. I'm transfixed by those scene i could glance at. Different people, living in one scene. I'm running out of words...

So I amassed all those images that my eyes could capture, and begin to ponder.. about life... My heart was wrapped with guilt . While i was busy squandering my money for those clothes and whatnot, i realize that there are people who actually needed the money more than me. For basic needs. For survival. It isn't humane. sigh =/

Like us, they have feelings too. Yet, nearly all of us treat these 'unfortunate' people like trash coated with bull's dung. Like they're some kind of robot that had no bloody feelings for us to mull over. I wonder what's happening to the world exactly. The word 'humanity' is mutating into 'animality' perhaps.

For my one and only

Today, the waves from the ocean of my mind finally crashed into the shore of my senses. I drowned myself inside the oodles of thoughts about you when you hurled those despicable words at me ling. What slipped from your tongue made me savvy a stream of new things. I was hurt, i wanted to just whack you with a stick and choke you and see you die but maybe you were right after all. The bottom-line is, I was wrong. So, here I am, addressing an apology that's coming directly from my heart to you, love. I am sorry for making you feel that way.

When you are with me, i felt like a newborn baby again. Your taste of comfort is surreptitiously growing sweeter. So sweet that i yearn to be closed to you at all times. Your taste of comfort keeps my heart warm. I love how protective you can be and seeing you jealous, makes me smile. =D

By some means, i felt as if you are my knight and shining armor that i've always been dreaming of. =) My mind has always been pregnant with 'what ifs'. What if you hurt me ling. What if i hurt you. And i don't feel like going through this process where my heart breaks into lil pieces, and i have to watch you go. . My mind is painted with black thoughts and do neutralize it for me. And, i kept on thinking, (favorite what if of all time) i don't deserve anyone like you. For once, i admit i felt like a devil in an angel form . =D You are my angel =)

I made an oath to not fall for anyone but i failed. Who in the world could ever stop themselves from falling? No one. So, yes i lost myself to the gravity. In this case, you are my gravity. And your love is my gravitational force. =) I was transfixed when i heard those three words from you. But when i say 'I love you ling', it is not an empty promise. I can tell you this everyday without having even a pinch of apathy. *Told you i can be sweet!*

So here i am, scribbling these words at 4.49 am, telling you how much you mean to me. Every time the clock ticks, i had my mind painted with your face. Horrid truth! Everything that i see or do reminds me of you. I know i can be a real pain in the ass , and i know i can be annoying, and i know that i speak or do things without thinking. I know i know. But believe me when i say, hurting you is the last thing i would ever want to do ling.

Ps- i love you. =)

that's the way it's gonna be =D

The picture. uhh i wanted to sneeze hahahah =D

Words and i are no longer in a good term. I've lost the urge to speak English, ( Now i speak barbarian language that i, myself dont understand), and lost the urge to write. There's a gigantic lump that has been growing inside my head recently . I love to write and i am pretty sure it loves me too ( not ) but by some means, we are not sleeping in the same bed no more. I hope i won't be getting any divorced letter soon..

I just feel like composing something so here goes. I've been falling in and out of love for roughly about , subtract 1 and several months from 5 years. It wasn't easy. I broke people's heart and likewise, i got my heart broken . Like a vicious circle! It goes and on and on so i pulled off for a while. Catching a long deep deep breathe. Unfortunately, still catching. . Now i am almost breathless. It took me months to finally get a grip of my real self, balanced it out a bit and what not. When someone says, you don't need someone to live. Well there was a phase where i believed in that.. but after millions of ticking sounds that buzzed inside my ear, it isn't entirely true peeps. Of course we do!

I have this 'miserable' mood, blinking like a LED sign inside my head. It goes on and off. It was permanently on back then but now, i guess the current inside the circuit is not flowing right. I am happy with my life. I have this artificial hypothesis, inside my head saying ' don't screw the chance to be happy now. wait , keep on waiting and the real guy will come to you'. So i did it. I waited. Still waiting. I get baffled most of the time, thinking maybe if he's the one, or him or that guard, or that janitor. But i had enough with that. As much as i want the heartbreaks to end, as much as i i want the next relationship to be the last one, i know i can't be prophesying the future. I'll just stick to wherever the 'river' flows and be happy.

On new year's eve . . .

Last night, while fireworks resonated across the Lion City , i stood there in the crowd, awing about almost everything. I took a glimpse of the vicinity, and glanced at the faces of people around me. They were all standing there, astonished by the performance, applauding and welcoming 2011 with the biggest smile and roaring cheer ever. Everyone was enraptured by the fact that 2010 has finally left the building. Their promising faces, reminds me of the faces of hungry beasts, preparing to hunt for food again. Creepy but amusing to watch.

Unlike my previous years , this year i shared my enthusiasm and joy with my family. I celebrated the birth of 2011 with different people, different places, different sensation. I was embraced with depression, knowing how time is moving so fast that i can hardly even catch up. The thought of getting older and older, the thought of losing loved ones, the thought of knowing nothing lasts forever were starting to smear across the atmosphere. I was suffocated, trying to choke back the tears. I just had a mysterious vibe that 2011 will be different. I hope i am right, in a good way.

Dear readers, if you don't opt for a good change, then when will you ever step up? What if the world does end on 2012? Do you have enough deeds to guarantee you a good afterlife?

Assaulted by a stream of cataclysm

Hello readers, I am immersed in my December mood that i'm having a strenuous time tugging my body out from this comfort zone. *sigh* It has been a great month, thronged with strands of memories to be framed inside my head. Moving on, i think its time for me to address a warmly apologies to every member of the human race that i once, twice, or continually hurt. I am just a human being, constructed with flaws and only flaws to live with until my very last breath. Imperfection does usher me to the worst side of me sometimes. And then , comes the word 'regret'. I do feel contrite about things that i've done in the past. All the time. And i know the word SORRY is overrated, set aside as the most easiest word to speak nowadays. But trust me people, this time it flows directly from my heart.

So, 2010 did assault me with a stream of cataclysm that i can never wipe them out from my mind. I was emotionally abused by everything. My education, my boyfriend (ex), my friends , myself. I secluded myself from any social activities throughout the year, rummaging for my true self. I abused my parents' trust and i keep on notifying myself not to get their heart wounded ever again. Thanks to my stupidity, my life was slowly crumbling. I put my future at risk and i know i still have time to start mending it with tools that i've abandoned once. Nevertheless, i still had the chance to run across a few new people throughout the journey and i am overjoyed! I was sprinkled with awareness and i know i've changed. On top of that, i finally followed the white light and now i am no longer coated by the weather from the blues. *phewww* Let's say, 2010 is a lonely year for me. #foreveralone

Now that this year is so closed to its funeral, so closed to its expiry date, i can finally inhale a scent of 2011! This January, it will be a pit start for me to abolish my mistakes. Time for me to carve the blunt edge of my life and not jeopardize my future anymore. That is my oath ! I raised my white flag long ago, not wanting to wander with no directions, or live my life aimlessly. I don't want to be the girl that will be getting my one feet off the ground, relying on some decaying stick to hold on to. I am no longer that kind of person. I think it is rather futile for me to be listing out my resolutions and mortified at the end of 2011 for being the same old creep. I'll just keep it to myself.

Enough with that . I am off to bed . Nights!

If tomorrow never comes . . .

Death is natural. Everyone dies and yet we live as if, we know that we won't die tomorrow. But people, what if tomorrow never comes?

Dear god ,

If i my tomorrow never comes, will you take a good care of my parents and my brothers forever and always? Will you let them know how much they mean to me and they are the only people in this one big bogus world that i truly love. They have a heart that is far more precious than a gold. That you know.Will you tell mama that i love her too much ? And that, she needs to be strong for what she is going through is inexplicable.Will you tell papa that he is the best father that anyone could ever wish for? Will you tell my brothers that even though i rebuke them everyday, but deep inside, i felt protective over them. Will you forgive me for being one sinful human ? Will you eradicate my sins? Will you let those people that i've once hurt know that i am truly deeply sorry. Will you let those people that once hurt me know that i have actually forgiven them all? And i hold no grudge against anyone. I promise. Will you tell all of my friends how i am gratified to have them in my life? And, thanks god. I have a great life. Very distinctive one. Very unique and not all can grasp what i meant but i know you do.

sincerely,

SARA LISA

The past is no longer dominant to me

Hello readers. .

Again, I flicked through the pages i once scrawled at the back of my mind. Just having a lil glimpse about the past i once led. It was suicidal at first but i am over it. It felt as if i was only running my eyes over a story book. Spiteful past i shall say but no longer as dominant as before.

I still remember when my heart was no longer in a normal pace, and it felt as if a very keen knife just stabbed through my heart. I remember when i bawled inside my room, pretending as if that could ease the tension i felt but truth is, it didn't. I remember that excruciating pain and all i ever thought was a stream of hatred rushed through my vein. But the hatred never last. I've always been the one who easily forgives other people. I grew up with that very doctrine. I remember how's it like to drench myself with a feeling of melancholy. And i pray, yeah i pray every single night before i go to sleep, wishing for a better day. And i told god that my indecisiveness really scotched my happiness and that i need him to decide for me this time.

As the months flew off my sight, god seems to prick up his ears for me and granted my prayer. I guess he made me wanting to isolate myself from everyone just to savor every littlest thing that i've missed out about my life. He wanted me to stand by my own feet this time. I feel rapturous by the thoughts i have. I can never be any happier than this. I seek for happiness and it has finally reached its hand for me. The emptiness that i once felt were engrossed with everything. I learned how to smile again.

So friends, if you are really in an anguish, before you make any pace , senseless, you should know that time does heal all wounds. And if you feel that you have nobody else in the world, think twice.

Ah i am not good in giving titles

Not so long ago, my bed time stories were about love. My ears were always at ease, keeping my heart and mind open to that kind of talk, knowing how beautiful the love stories can be. For instance, my aunt met my uncle at McD, they were fighting all the way. Two complete strangers fighting over a table. At the end of the day, they fell in love, they had their happily ever after. Sweet. Back then, love stories were painted with vivid colors. Now, well i believe everyone met their partner on facebook. The dull love story painted with only black and white.

To drench you with my awes, traditionally, guys were the ones that had to trudge the first pace. What about now? I am baffled by the tradition as i witness girls nowadays are the one chasing after guys. I, on the other hand, never really asked a guy out, or ask for their numbers even. I don't know if i am living in a deserted life on my own, maybe i haven't really getting myself updated with today's cultures. So, readers, tell me. If you are sticking with the tradition or you are complying the new one? Feel free to leave it here / inbox. As you wish .

Perhaps, the tradition is an ancient egyptian stories that has finally been buried along with the mummies. Moving on.

Another interrogation that i'd like to propose is that. . uhh how do i put this in a digestible sentences. My confidence are rather been so shaky lately. Afraid, if it might caved in or something. So, i googled ways to make do of that. And this is one of the panacea. Answer this. What do you think of me? Friends!!! Kinda need help here =D

Spell meant to be broken

The sense of grateful intensified as i flipped through the modernized chapter of my life. The fresh scent of it diffused around the room, making me feel vibrant too. I can only engrave the most sincere smile on my face, sighing with relief. The agony has finally blown away , becoming another ancient history for me. It has reached its expiry date and now the table turns. I am the lucky winner for now. Enough said.

After a year and several months of falling for a guy that i doubt his existence, i am beginning to fathom in depth how foolish i was to be in love with his words, not him. You see, i can only love someone that i feel comfortable with. A guy that had something wrong with his brain. A guy that i can be so damn spoiled with, be scolded and whatnot. Yeah, that. He had everything. except, he was never really there. No dates, no phone calls. We had a bizarre love story. Hands down. Exquisite words hurl at the right time right place. Making me attached to him even more. Until, few months back when i could feel my heart fractured, with breaking sound when i spotted the same words we shared, has been sprinkled to other girls. With the s. I am a good stalker. =D

Yeah, love is like a battlefield. I was fighting for it, defending our love but he betrayed me. I felt as if my heart got struck by an arrow. I turned cold. Living without a heart for a while was like living without a soul. I never really gave up but my heart already surrendered. Its over. He wanted to work things out but he never did. I just waited for him, waiting for a miracle to emerge. Our love had finally ceased away and maybe, it wasn't love after all. I am over him, its over.

It has been months since i uttered those three words. ' i love you'. Maybe, you won't hear me saying that ever again.

Its a spell i just casted. No more saying that world until a true prince charming could break that spell. I believe in fairy tales. Let it be that way. Chow for now people!

You are not alone

People talk as if , i had never landed my feet onto the ground of relationships before. They speak, as if i never felt how its like to feel , as if a honed blade just cut my heart, leaving only wounds. They think, i never knew how is it like to be in a pool of tears shrouded my pillows at night. Those sleepless nights, those feeling that you get, those clenching feeling that you get on the heart, you just wanted to bawl, let everything out and get over it. Yeah, been there, done that.

But. . Just because, i am the girl that carves the biggest smile on my face when i'm around you, chuckling for infinity, jumping like a retard, i do have feelings, and i do cry myself to sleep. At times. . Then the mood swings back up again. That is me. . Come on, i am a girl . Sensitive, delicate and fragile. Harrowing fact to emit. If i were to list down, the love stories i had , the pages that i need to scribble is endless.

I garnered all the guidelines that my friends had lob towards me. All those textbook answers that you can read elsewhere. 'Move on!' The only thing that is affordable for people to speak.. Hey, i knew that already. Just, how do you make it more undemanding? How do you muster those guts when everything is falling apart? How can you even stand when your feet are dysfunctional? Like your body is living in a solitude, where bones and muscles quit functioning.

Now, my grip is strained between those wishes i've hurled. I've always wanted to change. I constructed that as a concrete wall! Let all those hurricanes collided to it, but there it is, standing still. Although it can manifest a few lines of cracks, it is still a wall. That won't change. I've moved on. With a distance that i feel contented. I knew, someday, somehow, there is a guy out there, will be perfect enough to be my knight and shining armor..

Moving on is the most onerous thing you could ever do. But its certainly worthwhile. I am now a bird.. well with broken wings perhaps.

Once upon a time. . .

Once upon a time, i never believed in marriage. I told everyone how i abhor that very 'thing' and it should be confiscated from the 'guidebook', the one that are set to be propagated to every mankind. Like a tradition. . .I told everyone, there is no way i am gonna get myself bound to someone, eternally, while carrying a mass of oath upon my shoulder. Never . You know why? It's because i was confined in a circle, where broken strings were mingling around my waist. I was 14/15 when my parents got divorced. And i was breathing in an era where, the wives aren't happy with the husbands. Cheating, unhappy, broken , you name it. Well, that was once upon a time . .

I was young and ignorant. I never believed in love. As i let my thoughts unstained, scrubbing it with my eyes wide open, i know love isn't mythical. I witnessed a few lovers, who were already at the verge of their life, where their breathe is already at ease. Yet, i can still see, like the spark is still burning fresh, you can tell , how madly they are in love, still is. That was the most ravishing thing i ever had my eyes set on. Which really thumped me hard. . Not everybody could sense that very feeling. So i swallowed back the words i've hurled once, i know marriage does exist. Good or bad, its how pure your love is to someone that clarifies everything. I should not be punishing myself by those farcical beliefs i've shaped once.

But , look around you. Once upon a time, the couples you've seen were falling head over heels for each other, now, they couldn't even get their hands embraced with one another. Marriage is marked as the most exquisite thing in one's chapter in life, why bother getting it contaminated?

Life . . .

Hello readers, to the ones that read my gibberish posts habitually. I have been away from composing because i had this 'writer's block' thing. Its blooming like a tumor.

For the past couple of weeks, all windows were opened for me to fathom more about life. I had my eyes wide open along with my heart and mind this time. All this while, there was a blanket of dark clouds, covering above my head. There were fences built around me, like a hindrance to the sunny weather everyone had praised so much . I was caught in a snare where everything is so dark and dreary. I couldn't smile, yes , i wasn't happy.

Then , i let my thoughts linger again. The only problem was me. I was the one who constructed all those redundant fences that i couldn't even cross over. Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You gotta fight for it, strive for it, and you have to seek for it. They don't come to you, you are the one who have to take hold of it and never let go. Of course, i had my grip clenched tight once, but then it became slippery, so i lost all my beliefs. It was scattered everywhere. People took their life for granted. They thought life is all about having fun. Trying everything that you can possibly be getting. Smoke pots, drunk every night , etc. But have you ever thought, is that the reason why we live? To have fun ? Think again . . .

Life isn't all about moving on from a guy, or love . There's a lot more in life that are waiting to be discovered. You just gotta move your ass and trudge forward. Who said life is ever easy?