Monday, September 20, 2010

we are never the same. . .

I've been pushing a pencil for an entry for a week now, trying to crack the code to ajar the metallic door to my knowledge. I spent half of the day racking every drawers in my brain to scribble something. Anything . . In the end, i pushed the delete button because none of them financed a relief to my attempts. Words that i spelled couldn't bind well with one another. I knew i didn't pay the electricity bill as my mind was blacking out. . . .

Today , i flicked through a few videos that unleashed a stream of tears. I was weeping myself to a 3 hours nap, accompanied by tissues as my cozy blanket. I needed a tampon to shove it in my eyes as i caught myself standing in their shoes, feel what other feels. Woes to every second of it. I sharpened my belief on knowing that everyone has their own way to graph their plots in life. He may not go through what you've gone through and you may not go through what he has gone through. Humans have hearts but none of them are really utilizing it the way it should be. You should pitch a red light to all your ego, unwrapped yourself from the white lies you've created and stop making comparisons with anything else but yourself.

Monday, September 6, 2010

Tradition speaks.

The holy month of Ramadhan is about to take its departure soon. Tagging the month of Shawwal to administer the next month. As tradition speaks, its the day where tongues acknowledge the falsehood and come clean. Muslims took the gamble to wrap their ego and be apologetic for the day. Apparently, its a fresh new start for the ugly plots they had graphed together long ago. The blunders are marshaled and its time to make the sheets blank again.

I reminisced with every reflections of the past. I am 18 now , standing as a half child half adult. . When i was still a fresh meat, that very day is remarked as one of my favorite day in the calendar. I addressed such false apologies to everyone, to seek for rewards in return. lol. I was a successful entrepreneur back then. As the years flushed by, i lost my flair for that special occasion regarding to such family affairs. The delicacy of the day became paler each year. I lost the temptation to celebrate.

I am pointing my finger at my grandmother for every things she had done. So inhuman of her to pull our packets of joy. She was a harm to every happiness and i am never gonna excuse her from the picture. If it was not for her dirty little secrets, mum and dad would have never let their bonds been broken. If it wasn't for her, we could have preserved our status as a 'happy family' . I am in disguise to even let my gaze stops at her hypocrisy. She's so good in faking her deeds but not good enough. Her inferior actions are now visible enough for others to see. Too bad that the witnesses to her behavior lost their guts to come forward. *sigh* But what goes around comes around nenek. You'll see. Karma does exist and god is fair =)

Enough dramas. I am blending a sincere apologies this time to all my friends, followers, whoever. Happy eid fitri . Forgive me for all my wrongdoings. Words that ought to stab you and so on. Lets all together mend our broken strings. I am signing out now. Good bye.

Friday, September 3, 2010

coathed by the weather from the blues

Readers, its time for me to start seasoning my blog with new entry again. I am honoring my words by making constant updates. Challenging , but i need to sharpen my life with better things to do besides donating fats to my stomach and bulging my tension . . I am tasting the luscious freedom for a while. Drawing a finish line from things that wrestle with my bitter moods. I fed my immunity system with better words to digest . Making every internal organs of my body immune from any torments. . The whole system has been renewed. I computerized my brain to not key in the word 'vulnerable' and its siblings anymore. .

So, i was flicking through the pages in this magazine, and my gaze was stolen by this page about depression. Funny, every line fits the shape of my emotion which aches my vein. Its true that i was coated by the weather from the blues for months. I see my happiness dangled on the edge of its death from the windowpane and my hand was tight backwards. Useless. I was scratching my head the whole time, wondering what went wrong. I lost countless of hair for that, going bald. I pointed my finger at my hormones, but for once, they were innocent. It was just me. .

My mood beats along with the wave. Trembling on the ocean of pain. I am moodless half plus quarter of the day. Trust me, i was a fun person. Now, i am lost in the maze, seeking for my soul back. I am like a living corpse now, being pathetic. I miss being myself. Really do. And i am still proposing a research for the reasons to my behavior. Why cant i be happy?

So, readers, have you ever went moody for no reason ? Have you ever thought that you are just no longer you. Its hard for you to even laugh and brush-off the sick stiffen face of yours? If so, how do you cope with it.